My supernatural birth
I believed for pain free birth . . . instead, God spoke to me through the worst pain of my life in ways I am forever thankful for
Upon reading the book Supernatural Childbirth (which I still highly recommend!), I believed I would have a supernatural pain free birth. I read about women who did; my grandma even said that happened to her with my dad. So I declared it, claimed it, wrote out scriptures and positive affirmations, and said them almost daily. Train commutes are great for some things!
Then, I was induced and experienced the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life.
The journey - prayer, pain, and perseverance
After that pain - which brought the scripture “our light and momentary affliction is but for a moment” to life in a way I am not sure I would want to repeat - the pain stopped.
And I truly believe I had a supernatural, pain-free birth. … With the aid of modern medicine and an epidural.
Before you discount that please know: I believe in supernatural ‘on the spot’ healings without the aid of medicine. I have seen it and been part of it. But I also believe God gifted the minds of some brilliant doctors, midwives, and others and just because many births and healings are not what we tend to think of as supernatural does not mean they aren’t. I truly believe I had a supernatural birth. God met me, and He is the one who brings the supernatural experience - whether by medicine or miracle. He spoke to Me, and I heard His voice. He eased my suffering, He comforted my Spirit and He prepared my heart for motherhood.
The journey was not immediate, but God did lead me on what ended up being a marathon birth. I was induced Saturday evening, and baby boy came out Tuesday morning. He was perfect and it did not matter that I was induced - though at the time it sure did. I was a mess of hormones and emotions. I could barely form words without tearing up and my poor husband and I had more than one...disagreement (ok, row) about it.
By the day I was induced I was 14 days beyond my due date. At 12 days the NHS recommended, and I was scheduled for, an induction. However, I wanted to wait to have the baby ‘naturally.’
Though many people told me before I gave birth that no matter what happens it is still supernatural (I cannot thank you enough - you know who you are) - it did not resonate until I was ‘in’ it. Indeed, through the process I learned that how we define ‘supernatural’ needs a bit of re-examining, and I was led through this journey by a good God who gave me lots of ‘kisses’ along the way.
Prayer
Indeed, the first ‘kiss’ was a book called Kisses From a Good God by Paul Manwaring (he is one of my favourite teachers/preachers, and has written several books). I happened to put one of his books in my hospital bag two months prior and completely forgot about it.
In my head I was only going to be there for the birth and then come home. But as that didn’t happen and so, I had some time to read. Day two of induction, stuck in the hospital, I rummaged in my hospital bag and found this book. It was not too long into reading it that I realised the very book itself was a ‘God kiss’, as I needed to hear, I needed to read, that a ‘medical healing’ (in Paul’s case, cancer; in my case, ‘medical birth’ - being induced) was not ‘second class’.
For people who believe in miraculous healing (as noted, immediate healing from the Lord without medicine), relying on, or getting healing from ‘medicine’ and not receiving the immediate healing can lead one to question one’s faith - ‘did I just not believe hard enough? Or say the right things?’
And there are absolutely times when we in fact do need to do ministry on ourselves and ask those questions, as sometimes physical illness is related to spiritual things. Discernment is so important, and asking the Lord if there is something hindering a healing is vital (i.e. un-forgiveness, un-repented for sin - for more on this, Paul talks about it in his book - which I obviously highly recommend). But sometimes there isn’t anything hindering it, God just has another plan for healing, and we need to rest in the mystery of God.
Why do we not always get what we ask and believe for?
I recall asking Dan Slade and John Arnott about this once (at least I am 99% sure it was both of them!). They are amazing Fathers in the faith. Indeed, John and his wife Carol led a revival birthed in 1994, also known as the Toronto Blessing. They came to my former church once before we went on a mission trip to Argentina. The young adults had just been learning more about the prophetic and healing miracles. Many of us had read and begun practising ‘The Ultimate Treasure Hunt’, a book by Kevin Dedmond - which is all about utilising our prophetic gifts to find people in need of a touch from Jesus. Often those encounters include praying for healing and seeing people healed on the spot (which I have had the honour of seeing and being part of praying for). I asked why we don’t always see healings ‘on the spot’ when we pray for people.
What now seems obvious was really reassuring at the time: Somethings are a mystery. I think Dan even said that Catholics practise this really well - often they are able to, much better often than evangelicals/protestants, rest in “mysteries of God.”
So - why did I not have a pain-free birth, and why did I need (want I suppose...sure felt needed though!) an epidural when I had been praying and believing for a pain free birth without medical aid? (I told myself I would be okay with whatever happened but I did struggle with this.)
Some things are a mystery. In this case God had another plan, and He is already using my story to encourage other women, as other women encouraged me.
Encouragement
I had many friends prophesy and share their birth stories and encouragements with me before I was in hospital, and during.
One friend saying there is no ‘medal’ for this and no need to be a ‘hero’ - a.k.a., get the epidural!
My sister-in-law and mom said have a plan...but be prepared to let it go out the window.
Another friend said basically, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for doing what you want and is best for you.
Yet another good friend shared her story of a caesarean and she and her husband simply making what was the best choice for them and their baby at the time.
Many friends shared so much advice and so many tips I felt beyond prepared.
Finally a few people had prophetic words and one of them was a word about me running - this person knows God speaks to me when I run, and said she believed God would also speak to me through the ‘marathon’ of birth.
Which He did. And it was a marathon! As noted, I was induced in an evening and it was three days later in the morning that this beautiful baby came out (even as I write this I feel God may want to speak to me about that time frame as an analogy for the resurrection).
The process was rough. On day 2 or 3, I called a mentor who happened to be available (God kiss) and she prayed with me, as I was a mess and still angry about the induction. I did NOT want to be in a hospital, let alone in a time of Covid when my selfless amazing mother (who was visiting from the USA!) could not visit the hospital!
BUT...even my mom’s presence was a God kiss - more on that below. Back to my amazing pastoral mentor. She shared that with her births she was also very emotional and basically encouraged me to lean on my husband’s strength, wisdom, and the advice of the medical profession. Though I was convinced I did not need to be induced, as I believed my due date was closer to August 6th (based on my LMP - plus it was my original due date) - either way, as my mentor friend reminded me, by August 14th that baby was full term (note: this is not a dis on the NHS, in fact I have never been more thankful for it; but they are very risk-averse. Understandably so).
While I could have refused induction, after prayer and my husband’s encouragement - who was never concerned and wanted induction from the get go - we hit the start button. I also realised I wanted my mom to meet her grandbaby before she left, which weighed into the decision. The final determining factor was that there is a slight increased risk to the baby the longer they are inside (hence the NHS recommendation to induce).
But again, mom being at our house even though she could not be at the hospital was a God kiss. She brought and made me all my favourite foods (brought as in bought Stacy’s pita chips from Costco over from the USA, and made me dinner and chocolate chip cookies that my husband brought to hospital).
She also got some inner healing of her own that trip. As Paul writes in Romans, God works all things for good for those that love and serve Him!
I also had God kisses from friends messaging and praying and calling while at hospital. God kisses from chats with mom and sis. God kiss of Husband stayed by my side as long as he could with hospital visiting hours. I had God kisses from staff at the NHS. And direct from the Lord. I know he spoke to me while I was giving birth as a friend had prophesied.
Pain
Before I go into that, as an aside, it is said inductions can be more painful. I am not sure that is true as I have not had any other experience, but I will say this - it was painful. Not at first. I began contracting Monday and between them was helping my mom try to re-book a covid test to stay a few days longer. (But that is another story. Love you mom!)
Late that afternoon I began contracting in earnest and was barely able to move, but apparently I had to be 3cm dilated before I could move to a birth room, and the midwife had to examine me...Immediately was thinking um, no. You are not going down there!
Thank God for gas and air. While I still sobbed, I was thankful for the God kiss of my husband’s hand, and the word Jesus on my lips. I knew he would help me and he did.
After the most painful ‘exam’ I have ever had (again, sobbed...and giggled interestingly enough. That gas and air makes one high as a kite!), I heard Him speak very clearly.
I was meant to get in a wheelchair to be transferred to the birth room but I just thought I will go ‘now’, between contractions, and got up and started walking expecting people to follow me (being honest, a little annoyed and indignant they weren’t hopping to...I mean, I was the one giving birth).
And then God spoke so kindly, so softly, “can you try the wheel chair for me?”
Yes. Of course I can.
As I did it became clearer this was for my own good as Praise God, they were able to transfer me WITH the gas and air.
Between contractions I eeked out the question ‘When is this epidural happening?’ a few times…
“Can I get it now?”
“When can I have the epidural?”
In the moment I was also thinking, ‘it’s not THAT bad’, and even said something like that to my husband. Maybe my incessant asking was a God kiss of knowing that the sooner the better, as the contractions would just get worse. I don’t know. What I do know: Even though it was painful, I think back and I am actually incredibly grateful that I was gifted the feeling of such pain. Because it is not even a fraction of the pain Jesus went through for me. I got to feel great pain and think - this is for the joy set before me. As Jesus felt great pain for the joy of us. Salvation and eternal life for his kids.
While the pain at the time felt forever, in reality -it was probably an hour or two of intense on and off contractions until I got the epidural.
Praise God (literally) for modern medicine.
Also I forgot to mention - the day before, my mentor had her husband on the line - coincidentally my former pastor - when I had spoken to her, and he prophesied two angels of joy descending on us...that definitely happened! I DID feel joy in the midst of this pain.
More God kisses:
In the room, my water broke ‘naturally’.
A doctor came to check on us happened to be the same one who had previously given his a-o-k to leave the hospital should I NOT want induction (he understood my desire and wanted me to have the birth I wanted and I was not high risk). He lightened the mood a but when he eyed the epidural and said he thought I wanted to do this ‘naturally’ (which was part of my reasoning for not wanting to be induced).
I was only in the room a few hours before it was time to push. The lovely midwife was shocked when she saw I was 10 cm.
I had only a MINOR episiotomy.
Then - baby came.
Best God kiss ever, but being honest I was pretty out of it.
Perseverance
I am not sure what one is ‘supposed’ to feel when they hold a baby but I did not feel the miraculous love and that amazing ‘bond’ moment so many speak of. In fact it was 24 hours before I felt anything like that … and on the way home I actually had almost the opposite: A moment of postpartum depression.
I was thinking...my life will NEVER be the same. What have we done?
Then I cried.
My phenomenal husband loved me so well through it (side note, thanks to Scrubs for their episode on this in which a character had postpartum depression, as that helped my husband understand).
He - my husband - said we would get through it. And encouraged me to try to have sanctified thinking. That is, I could feel what I needed to feel, but to try to feel it with Jesus.
Not sure if it was his love and understanding (I have never loved him as much as I did in that moment) but I think it gave me the ability to claim healing. A little while later I declared I was not having that. I would not be depressed. And the next day...I felt the love and joy so many talk about. Never thought I would have the capacity to love such a little human so much.
Again God uses all things for good. He met me. He also gave me compassion for those who have postpartum depression. It’s real, and it’s chemical and whether by medicine or miracle - in my case I believe it was a miracle - being healed from it is possible.
But however one is healed, it is not second class!
The moral of it all
In sum: Stealing a phrase from Paul Manwaring - a medical healing is not a second class healing. While I still believe it is possible to have a pain free birth even without an epidural, that was not my story and that is ok. And I praise God for modern medicine and the amazing team of people that cared for us. The reality is before the advent of many of the things we have today a lot more women died in childbirth. Praise God he created the minds that gave us things like epidurals!
And now, having journeyed it (indeed still on the journey...maybe I will share my breastfeeding story in another blog!) I find I love every child more. I love every person more.
As Kate Jann once said to me, it is as if your ability to love is simply expanded.