Babies 2 & 3 - Working through pain & fear, gaining freedom & life
Physical and emotional pain and discomfort are temporary. Healing and freedom are forever.
Caveat: This is somewhat long and includes birthing details that may not be of interest to some readers. While I believe the Lord spoke to me some truths that are applicable to everyone, this blog specifically seeks to encourage pregnant moms and those with young kids.
I recently felt the Lord say I need to blog my birth experience with Ezri, the newest Forman. As I always meant to blog Aiden’s birth as well, I find myself two and a half years (+ two more kids) after my last blog finally writing the birth stories of child two and three (you may have guessed having two kids under two -and now three under three- means much less time for blogging!).
Beginning at the beginning: Aiden
My birth with Aiden was not nearly as traumatic as my birth with Alexander, emotionally or physically. I believe this was both God’s grace and perhaps a bit of the supernatural, as, unlike with Alexander, I did not have an epidural - yet by the time I was fully dilated, I had experienced less pain than I did during labor with Alexander. That is something to praise God for!
Pre-labour provision
When I was pregnant with Aiden, we had no close family nearby and were not sure who to ask to watch Alexander for us during the labor. Thankfully God had called an obedient, dear couple from the Netherlands to London to serve as missionaries to the community we were part of. They were willing to help us out, and selflessly came to our house at 2am, ready to watch Alexander as Alistair (my husband) took me to the hospital. (They inspire me to say the least!)
Active Labour
I was thrilled I went into active labor without being induced, and was thinking - I wonder if I can do this pain free, for I do believe God blesses some women that way.
But by 2cm dilated I was NOT pain free. The nurses on the NHS staff offered me a shot to help with pain, as according to their policies, it was too early for an epidural. I hesitated because I definitely wanted the epidural, but they assured me I could do both (get the shot and get the epidural later). So I got a shot to help with pain until I was dilated enough to get an epidural.
Well that shot was apparently pretty powerful, and helped me get nearly fully dilated with barely any pain. Unfortunately it then wore completely off. So I asked for an epidural to help with the pain as I was being wheeled to the labor room.
I was then informed it was too late to give me one.
I have had to forgive the NHS staff (who are phenomenal and wonderful people that are also human and can make mistakes) who told me I could have both the shot and an epidural. I also had to forgive the ‘system’ as I realize now the main issue was they only check you/your dilation every 4 hours unless you complain, and so they didn’t know I was progressing as fast as I was (nor did I).
At any rate, when I realized what was happening, I began to cry out to Jesus (rather loudly) with words as well as groans only He could interpret. I prayed and declared truths through the pain, trying to focus on Him, not the pain.
Alistair said he felt the atmosphere shift spiritually when I was praying, and I think some demons got upset as one of the nurses had a bit of an unpleasant demeanor. I sincerely feel it was not due to me personally but due to the spirit of prayer in the room. (This same nurse, as I was contracting and being loud, asked me to quiet down / ‘stop making all that noise’ so another nurse could do something for me. I don’t know how I was able to restrain my tongue from giving an unkind reply - as Proverbs 10:19 exhorts - but by the grace of God, I did. Also there was likely a bit of fear of being sued for being rude to hospital staff. Perhaps unfounded but we live in crazy times. Either way I think the Lord was on it!)
Ring of (little) fire
As I entered into the pushing phase of birth, I recall feeling the ‘ring of fire’ I had read about (often a peak moment of pain). Praise God it was not as bad as I expected!
Notably, we chose the name ‘Aiden’ prior to this, which means ‘little fire’. Sounds odd but because the pain was ‘little’ compared to what I expected, it felt like confirmation of his name!
Shortly after that, he was out. As I held him, I realized what they say is true - the pain one goes through, once you have the baby, immediately doesn’t seem to matter. Indeed it is one of the sweetest moments of relief when you finally get that baby out and he (or she) is lying on your chest.
Lessons learned
What was so redeeming about this specific experience - I think God knew that deep down, I was curious how well I would endure a birth without an epidural. Was I tough enough? Could I hack it?
He showed me I can - with Him. Now, more power to all women who choose epidurals (as I will get to in part 3, having done a birth with and without one, with the third one, I chose with). But I felt so close to Jesus as I was going through that pain, similar to with Alexander - knowing what I felt was a mere fraction, a miniscule amount of suffering to bring my baby into the world, compared to what Jesus suffered to bring me into His world - life in the Spirit. I am forever thankful for that experience.
After birth
Shortly after birth, 20 or so hospital personnel surrounded me as I was bleeding pretty profusely. My husband later told me he feared for my life, but at the time I honestly didn’t - I was sleepy from losing so much blood, but knew I would be fine (well, not sure if I really knew that or just believed it, but was trying to reassure Alistair).
I later had to do some more forgiving as I had known something was wrong and tried to point this out to a nurse. Initially she said I was fine, until a rush of blood came out - at which point she called in others. I lost so much blood I couldn’t eat or drink for several hours afterward which made me cranky to say the least. Having just given birth, I felt the least I was owed was my tea and toast!
But. We are owed nothing. Jesus did not make us give him anything when He went to the cross. It was His choice - and it is our choice to choose him.
As it was my choice to have children. And I hope someday they choose to have a relationship with me as friends. (Note: parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, the most humbling and - the greatest joy. No matter what they do - I will never stop loving them. Just as our Heavenly Father will never stop loving us. The ups and downs of parenting will be a blog for another day!)
Reflecting, Aiden’s birth was supernatural in many ways, and not perfect - but honestly, I believe an improvement from my first birth in terms of my own emotional health, and walking through the pain journey.
Bringing Ezri into the world
Ezri’s birth was yet another improvement from the first two, though it was vastly different to both Alexander's and Aiden’s, and preceded by one of the hardest seasons of my life (that may be another blog as well…).
Pre-labour lessons
A month before birth, God led our women’s group to do a study on breaking bondage from fear - initially I was thinking I didn’t really struggle with fear until I realized / God pointed out I was terrified of having three kids under three. So I began to pray something similar to what I prayed when pregnant with Aiden (that having 2 would be easier than 1, which it was) - that 3 would be easier than 2.
So far, this has been true - and not true. For the first week, it really was easier! That was, I believe, God’s supernatural grace and the powerful prayers of some righteous saints whom I know were praying for us (plus - by baby 3, you sort of know what to do).
However, as time progressed with the 3 under 3, it became very clear to me something needed to change. God revealed to me I still had a lot of selfishness that He wanted to deal with, and also that I needed to grow more as a parent. (You’d think after the first two, I would have dealt with it, but well . . . more on that later:) Summary version is: I repented, have been working on it, and it has been going a lot better, praise the Lord. He is a good Father!
Anyway back to the journey with Ezri: I was certain that, as I was 2+ weeks overdue with Alexander (requiring induction) and only 1 week overdue with Aiden, that baby girl would be even ‘less overdue’, if at all, as I was told most of the time with subsequent births the babies come out quicker.
But by the time we got to 41 weeks + 6 days, I realized - per my husband asking - we needed to think about induction. I had not seriously considered it as
I was convinced I wouldn't need to be induced given I wasn’t with Aiden
I was traumatized more than i realized from Alexander’s induction
Plus I had stared contracting episodically (which I learned is normal and can last for days) and figured it would be anytime - but by the third false alarm and chat with husband about induction options, I realized I may have to do some prayer ministry on myself to figure out my hesitation with induction.
My blessed husband gave me time to pray into this, but first I called my prayer-mentor-friend-role model to talk and pray (she had walked me off the ledge the first time I was going in for induction). I basically told her I know I need to pray and spend time with Jesus, and so we prayed and she really encouraged me to just get that time with the Lord one on one as my selfless saint like mother was able to watch the boys.
Praise the Lord for encouragement and confirmation as I was able to get that time with Jesus.
While I was walking to my “God spot” I had the thought, I wonder, if I do this will I naturally go into labor, as God often works that way? That is - we need to be willing to do something we don’t want to do before He gives us the thing we want.
I also thought immediately afterward that I didn’t want to expect that.
Even so, gracious good God that He is, that is what happened.
In addition to speaking to the Lord about being induced, I felt that I needed to speak to the Lord - and have Him speak to me - about my increasing struggle for control (I was about to have 3 kids under 3 and so was gasping for any measure of control I could get, fearing my life was about to be out of control).
When I finally quieted my soul I felt Him say to focus on the dream I had that previous night. While I dream often though I hadn't been having many ‘God’ dreams at that time. I had felt the one I’d had that morning, the first one in over a month, was a God dream and so it made sense to seek the Lord on it!
In summary, in the dream*, in two different scenes, something was happening that at first was scary that I tried to embrace as fun and exciting. I was not perfect at doing so.
He revealed that (as I knew) I feared lack of control. When I don’t have it, I sink - like Peter, who, while walking on water, rather than enjoying the supernatural moment with Jesus, looked at the circumstances around him, which he could not control (though it is not clear whether this is the exact reason he sank), and sank.
He also showed me that when I fear lacking control I start to question whether the good things happening in my life are good. That is: If I can’t control it, I think maybe the “good thing” is not good - rather than embracing the good thing.
Jesus revealed that rather than fear what may happen, like Peter did (and so lose the fun and joy of the good thing in the moment, preferring the ‘safety’ of my own control) - I need to turn to Him and ask Him what to do.
He also told me all would be well whether or not I was induced, and to try to enjoy this time of having 3 kids under 3. They are only little for so long! He wanted me to let go of my control - to look at it as liberating, fun, an exciting new adventure, rather than with dread and fear. To turn to Him and let Holy Spirit’s control (indeed self-control is a fruit of the Spirit) take root.
This aligns to a prophetic word I received a few years ago which I believe applies to this season as well:
There will be some things coming in this next season that will bring such joy and peace to your heart-
Let those be the things that prevail in your attitude. Let those things be the things that come through your face-
not the hard ones, but the good ones.
Because the good will outweigh the struggles
The good will outweigh the struggles
-don’t forget that.
The good will outweigh the struggles.
Don't let the periodic struggles define how you proceed because it is the joy of the Lord that is your strength.
The joy of the Lord is in your strength.
Even today the Lord reminded me to think and dwell on good things (Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things”).
So much can shift when we focus on the right things. And here is always something good to dwell on. Indeed - when we focus on the ultimate good thing - Jesus - as Peter did when he first stepped out of the boat - miracles, liberation, and joy come. The challenge is keeping that focus. To continue in the grace of God (Acts 13:43).
Active Labour
Back to the birth story. With Ezri, my water began leaking Tuesday night or Wednesday mid-day, but I was not sure that was what it was so I didn’t call until Wednesday. I was advised (after initially being told not to worry about it) to come and have it checked, but if I preferred to I could wait and come if it progressed further.
So I waited, and by that evening was having regular contractions so figured I would go in. They thought I had ruptured my membrane and proposed that if I had done that at midday, I should get on a pitocin drip … which, in labor 1, led to the most pain of my life (worse than labor 2 - with which I had no epidural!).
So I asked if I could get an epidural first - which was possible, praise God. Bless the staff, after six IV pokes, I finally was able to get the epidural and start pitocin at its lowest dosage. I was happy and so went to sleep.
I woke up with a horrid tingling in my legs - very unlike my first epidural. While it didn’t hurt, it was bothering me so much I cried. I can’t quite describe it - it was like an itch I couldn’t scratch (but it didn’t itch) deep in my muscles - an uncomfortable/annoying feeling I could get no relief from.
With contractions, they ebb and flow - when you feel the pain you know it will soon be gone - with this, it was constant. Again, it didn't hurt, but it wouldn’t go away, so I asked if the epidural dosage needed to or could be reduced.
Unfortunately the only two options presented were all (no change in the dosage) or nothing (get off the drip). So, though I was worried it would wear off entirely when I started to feel real pain, as the lack of relief from the discomfort in my legs had me sobbing (my poor husband was massaging my legs pretty constantly), I opted to stop the epidural drip.
I praise Him that after a couple hours, the feeling in my legs went away (as I knew it would), but also - I was able to keep all the numbness where it counted and I did not feel any real pain when I was fully dilated!
That is: I was pain free - praise God. He is so good.
Recovery: Living in the grace of God
The recovery from this birth was the easiest of all three. I did not tear nor need stitches, conversely I had an episiotomy with the other two. We are sleeping ok as she is a good sleeper and eater - so far the best of all of them (but again that may be because we as parents also know what we are doing now - and Alistair prioritizes my sleep because he's a saint).
At any rate, I believe this is truly the result of many people’s prayers and God’s grace and mercy as He knows we have two other littles to chase along with this new bundle of joy, which I have been able to do (chase toddlers that is!).
I believe His power to meet me and help me overcome my fears was truly supernatural. And I am almost afraid to say this but there is no fear in love so I will say it: So far, the “three kids under three” has in some ways been easier than going from 0 to 1 kid and easier than going from 1 kid to 2 kids.
In other ways it has been harder. Yet, I give God glory because
I prayed it would be easier and though it is not completely easier, the fact that it is in some ways easier is His grace
God wants to refine us, and hard things allow Him to do so in ways that easy things don’t. We are forced to lean into Him, increase our trust in Him, and deal with our issues!
In short - He answers prayer, and He loves us and wants the best for us!
Also in case you are curious for specifics on the ways it is easier - as an example: after struggling to breastfeed the first two, a nurse who specializes in breastfeeding complimented me multiple times on my technique and how well I breastfed. I was honestly thinking “you don’t really see that well as I clearly don’t do great with it. And also I don’t always feed the same way, and the midwives on the NHS said x, y, z . . .” - but after the third compliment I wondered if God was trying to tell me what He sees - growth from walking a journey.
In summary: Nothing will bring growth quite like marriage and kids - and the birthing process. He has brought me from fear to freedom in amazing ways and He deserves all the glory.
To those praying for me and our family, I cannot thank you enough. Your prayers are powerful and work. I pray all those reading this would experience a miraculous grace of God in this season, a letting go of (unhealthy) control to embrace the supernatural life of fun, joy and adventure - alongside hard times and challenges (Mark 10:29) - that He has planned for you.
Postscript
As noted this last season of life has been challenging. In addition to being pregnant my family spent the last six months adjusting from life in London - one of the biggest metropolis cities in the world where everything you may want from a worldly perspective (food, entertainment, variety) is a your fingertips - to life in Williston, ND; a small city that is considered big in a state with one of the lowest populations in the country, where it is winter 6 months of the year, and where my husband was asked to - and after lots of prayer and 2 years waiting on a visa agreed to - lead a small church plant with wonderful friends of ours.
I confess before this birth I was wondering if we did the right thing. What if the church fails? What if we struggle financially? What if no one is saved because we’re here, and we make little impact?
What if what if what if. All fear-based thoughts, but as previously referenced, perfect love casts out fear. So I prayed God would show us if we were wrong.
Three days after returning from the hospital I found a $5,000 check in the mail from a Christian friend and role model (whom I admire more than most people) which she felt to send us as encouragement.
Needless to say, it was encouraging! It felt confirming - like God saying we are in the right place at the right time. And to the person who sent it - we cannot thank you enough. We are beyond blessed and I pray blessings pour out on you, and all reading this.
I pray for all reading this that it encourages you somehow to know God is walking alongside you and will not forsake you. I pray for myself and all reading this we continue in the grace of God.