6 Reasons why people have left their churches in the last year…

This could be a controversial one…right?

When you see a title like this, what goes through your mind? 

Is a rant coming? A backlash? Maybe a pastor licking their wounds…or acting out of them?

I took a few weeks to write this blog from its initial conception in my mind because I needed that ‘why’ question to settle in my heart before I could start writing. 

Why am I writing this?

The answer to that question could be a blog in and of itself, but I will try and keep it simple:.

I’d wager most of us, church members, leaders, volunteers, people who belong to a community of believers wherever we are, have seen someone leave a church recently. 

Maybe it was our church and we really felt it, or maybe it was the church that a dear friend was part of, and we just stood on sidelines, kinda watching it all play out. 

Maybe you were the one to move on from your church, a move that if you were to tell the pre-pandemic version of you was coming,  you simply wouldn’t have believed it.

The reality is, the covid pandemic and the effects of lockdown have rippled out across the world causing all manner of changes and shifts. The church world was not exempt fro, this. 

We’ve all felt it.

I’ve seen the movement of people from churches, and the lack of returning back to them (a blog in its own right) cause confusion, some pain and raise a lot of questions. 

So ‘the why’ of this blog is simply a pastoral response to anyone who is asking themselves ‘what happened?’ as a result of either their move, someone else’s move, or the state of their church now.

This is about finding understanding, empathy and Jesus’ pastoral heart in the midst of a confusing and highly emotive subject…and there are no rants or ‘settling the score’ here I’m afraid. 

This is about letting God speak to our hearts about what we have experience and what we’re living.

I heard Ken Gott once say that:

“When you minister you put a little piece of yourself inside people. When they move on, whether for good or bad reasons, they take that piece with them”. 

That can be hard for friends, pastors and ministers to experience.

It’s so important to let Holy Spirit give us the wisdom we need to see why people have moved on, so we can do the correct heart journey we need to do for ourselves and those around us. 

The world doesn’t need any more bitter people than it already has. It needs people who know the grace of Christ and offer it to other.

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The Ground Rules

Let’s establish a couple of things first before I dive into what could be a controversial subject for many…

1: This is written from the perspective of a leader in a church that has seen people both leave and join as the pandemic has gone on. 

2: This is not written with anger. Some people have left ‘the church’ for not so good reasons, but others for right, good and godly reasons and the Lord was leading the whole process.

3: This isn’t just a reflection on what has happened in my church, this is about The Church. I have based this on my experiences, those of my friends in ministry in other churches, and what I know is happening in other parts of the world as a result of this Covid season.

4: We have to learn to grieve our losses and not bury them and pretend we’re OK. (check out Carey Nieuwhof’s teaching on this https://careynieuwhof.com/grieve-losses/). As Vision in the series WandaVision said, “What is grief if not love persevering?”. We do this so we can love God, others and ourselves better. We do this to prevent bitterness growing in our hearts (Hebrews 12:15).

5: I’ve tried to be very sensitive and careful about how I communicate the points below. This is people’s lives and choices we’re talking about. Things are rarely black and white. There’s always more going on in someone’s heart than we will know. Our job as believers is to be Jesus to people, and direct them to Him. We’re not called to judge.

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Reason 1 - The people who left didn’t have the relationships to keep them there

For many when their church went online or the doors closed as result of the pandemic it exposed that the relationships just weren’t there for them.

I have always been such an advocate of small groups. They have been my way into every church I’ve ever joined, they have been the melting pot for all my first and deepest friendships in churches. 

Without a small group, a community and the friendships they provide you become either a face in the crowd or a member of a team who shows up to do their job. Never truly known by anyone.

Some people left their churches this year because the pandemic drew attention to the fact that they just weren’t knitted in to relationships. 

Friendships, deep, fully of laughter and delight, tears and shared grief…these are what bind people together. Smiling at the person in the chair next to you at church doesn’t cut it. We need to know people and be known by others, and we need to know others. 

It’s not good for man to be alone.

Reason 2 - Some people had wanted to spread their wings and take a step out of the boat for so long…but up until the pandemic they didn’t have the courage to trust God and go for it

This one is a tough one for pastors to look at because it implies God may be doing something, somewhere else, that their church isn’t providing. 

I’m teasing a little. I think it’s right for pastors to want to contend for their church I love my church, I want everything of the kingdom to happen there and people to grow and fly while they are here.

…but flying means leaving the nest at some point, right?

In my heart of hearts, I actually love seeing people step into calling, taking a risk, trusting God and going for a dream that requires them to step out of the comfort zone. 

Even if that means them leaving. 

I hate seeing someone stuck in neutral or seemingly plateauing, if God’s solution to this is for that person to move on to somewhere new, I’m in. He knows better than I do. 

My first career was as a school teacher; in a school at some point, everyone has to leave. It’s right that the kids move on. You can’t fight it and it would be wrong to…so you celebrate it.

Some people left their churches this year because they had been sitting on the word of God to go out and spread their wings for years but had not surrendered to that word. Seeing these people trust God and leave the harbour is a joy.

Reason 3 - Some people left their churches and they should have left a long time ago…their season was done

This is very similar to the last one, but with one difference, the people leaving hearing perhaps didn’t have a dream they were looking to get launched into…but they did have hurts or pains that were building up. They needed to go for their heart’s sake. 

I want to keep this one simple because there is so much room for accidental judgements here, and that isn’t my intention.

I will simply say that for some, their season had passed. 

Some were laden down with a burden that was getting heavier and heavier. Others carried hurts and wounds un-dealt that just fester over time. For some it was simply time for them to experience something new, there was no judgement on their church or what it stood for. They had just received what God wanted to them to receive and it was time to go and grow somewhere new.

Many of these people at these churches were loyal, committed members of the church…it’s just that their season had passed. 

Thats OK.

Reason 4 - Some saw some greener, easier grass elsewhere…

Seeing someone leave because they saw something that looked good and maybe easier elsewhere can be painful. It hurts for one. It also is a major source of temptation to step into judgement about that person if you don’t agree with them. 

This is a hard one.

Maybe the ‘greener grass’ was another church that just looked better / more youthful / had a nicer building / a celebrity leader / is part of a global franchise of churches or maybe had the allure of people who didn’t have the issues or problems that their current church seemed to have…

Maybe the ‘greener grass’ was the potential of having Sundays free and not travelling to church. Getting a whole half a day or freed up every week-end is pretty tempting, right?

Maybe the ‘greener grass’ was a deconstructed form of christianity that seemed more appealing than organised or structured church, something more ‘off the grid’ preferred…

Whatever it might be, if you are a leader or friend of someone leaving for seemingly ‘greener grass’ elsewhere, you may have to contend with the feelings that they are bailing out and going to get a better deal somewhere else…

…now this is really a tough one because it implies I think the people in churches that did this were inherently wrong and chose for soulish reasons… 

I can’t make that call. I don’t know everyone’s motives or reasons. I just know enough about human nature itself to know that sadly, some people, left because they thought something better or easier could be found somewhere else. 

I have to be honest, this is the hardest one for me not to judge, I just can’t do a list like this and leave this one off sadly. 

The fact is, even if they have left for this not great reason, I want them to know that should they ever come back, the door will be opened wide, they will be loved and welcome back with the biggest smile I’ve got to give. 

We may not love it when this happens, but our response to a prodigal leaving the house and returning to the house should be no different to that of the Father in Luke 15.

Reason 5 - Some people left because of un-met expectations…

This is probably the most painful one on the list for me. 

One of my colleagues told me of their dad, a pastor, sharing this with them one day as the main reason people left churches. 

Argh. This one sucks. 

I hate this one so much…because it’s true. 

I have seen it happen in almost every church I’ve ever been part of and in countless others I watched from afar. 

People were promised something and it never came through.

Healing. Pastoral care. Discipleship. An incredible vision. You name it - something was offered, promised or assured would happen. And then it didn’t. 

Again, I could write a whole post about this, but I’ll try and condense it to just one thought here.

It’s not wrong to offer these things to someone. Your church or ministry may exist to lead people into healing, it may have been planted to pastorally care for people or disciple them…it may be stewarding the most radical vision God has ever given a church.

All of that is great.

Leaders, just one request, and I say this looking firmly in the mirror to myself first and foremost:

Just be careful what seeds of hope and promise you sow in someone’s heart. 

People remember when someone gives them hope. People make life choices based on their expectations. We have to be so very careful what we do with the hope we put in people’s hearts. 

Too many people have felt disappointment because of a church or a leader and then extrapolated that as God letting them down…and God is the only one who doesn’t let us down, and can never disappoint us!

Some people left their churches this year because of unmet expectations. Let us be guard for this, let us not be people who over promise and under deliver…but people who point to the abundant and inexhaustible God who knows no limits.

Reason 6 - Life was too busy and the pandemic / lockdown gave them an out

This is a simple one, and a sucky one, but for some life was just too busy before the pandemic, they were just hanging on by a finger nail. The pandemic, the lockdown and online church came and the rhythm of church was lost and that was that.

Are they gone forever?

No of course not. They’ll be back, somewhere. 

Maybe they’ll show up at someone else’s church or ministry. That’s OK. 

I know this one still sucks, but life is busier for some people than we’ll ever realise. They have taken a hit, and yes the church community could’ve helped them through it…but they needed to regroup and leaving or just not showing up was the way they did it. 

Again, we can’t judge, we’re not living their life. We can continue to love though. Never underestimate the power of sending a text message every now and then to one of these people…even if they’ve left…and telling them they are still loved. 

It’s OK to let some people go, God has a way of brining people back around again at just the right time.

As a pastor my primary care is for the people in the flock. Sometimes one of those missing sheep will be the 1 out of the 99 and it’s up to me to pursue them, love them, and go get them. 

Other times that person needs to go live their life and God will either bring them back to our fold or graft them into another. We have to seek His guidance on which to do when. Each person and their journey is unique, we need the chief shepherd to help guide us in these times!

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Summary

Oh man, I could have written a book about this. I’m not kidding, I’ve had to show serious restraint here and not write 5000 words for each point. Well done if you made it this far though.

Here, by way of summary are a couple of points to remember whatever your position is in this topic. What we need to remember at the end of the day is ….

Firstly….it’s Jesus’ church, not ours. He will build it, prune it, redistribute it and reestablish it. He’s a good shepherd and a wonderful Pastor. We can trust Him with whatever has happened and is going to happen. 

Secondly….God is sovereign, He knows how all His sheep are and He knows just where to find them. He’ll go and get some of them personally, He’ll direct some of them to other pastors and leaders. He’ll put some of them on your heart and ask you to go out in the night and find them. He is sovereign though and none of this has taken Him by surprise.

Thirdly….Keep your love on. As a son or daughter of the universe’s best Father, as a rescued and adopted child of God by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, you and I don’t have the right to switch our love off. Even if we think someone made a bad decision. We keep our love on always.

Lastly… guard your heart from pride and arrogance. We don’t know the full picture of what is happening in someone’s heart. We need to make sure we don’t adopt the position of thinking we know what everyone should be doing all the time and our way of thinking is infallible.

…extra lastly…guard our hearts too from false humility…God will use you and your church and ministry again. Don’t blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. And for the things that are…grow, mature and get coached through them. Your church exists because God wills it to and it has a purpose, that should be an encouraging thought.

We must all remember after this season, pruning is always unto growth. We need to keep our hearts sweet, God will bless our ministries and our churches, regardless of how big or successful they look in earthly terms. Jesus will be Lord of them…and that will make them incredible.