Tension Moments: 5 questions to ask yourself when communication with someone gets dicey....

Sometimes communication with friends, family or colleagues gets tense. We don’t always know how it happens, we don’t often see it coming, and yet it still does.

I am writing this blog with my mind in ministry work relationships, mainly because that’s what I do with the majority of my time, but these questions apply to all of our relationships regardless of depth or context.

So what questions can we ask ourselves when communication with someone you need to get on with is getting awkward, tense and frustratingly weird?

Here are 5 questions to think about based on Romans 12:18 “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"

1) Even if I think it’s good…how are they receiving my communication?

I might think the way I communicate is reasonable, generous, perfectly pitched and tonally just right.

...is it though?

Here’s some questions to consider:

How might that person have received my tone…?

Was my direct approach needed in this circumstance, did it help them to respond without feeling pressured by me?

Was my indirect approach too vague and too general? Did I lose clarity because I was afraid to be honest with what I need to share?

Am I communicating stress and irritation to them because I’ve messaged and called so many times? Have I communicated annoyance to them by not responding at all?

Am I presenting myself as pushy…am I coming across as distant and unreachable?

When I communicated as I did, was I thinking about how they would receive it?

2) Is there any problem with what I'm asking for...really?

The first part of this question is an easy answer - no, of course not, what I'm asking for is completely reasonable.

Adding the word ‘really?’ At the end kind of forces us to think about it more honestly though.

Is what I'm asking for or the point I'm trying to make legitimate...really? How might all this look from their side of the conversation?

How does your request, your rational and your reasoning look from their side of the fence?

Am I in danger of only seeing what is important to me and missing why this could be important for them?

3) If the situation is dragging on without a resolution…what is the wise thing to do?

OK, let’s be honest here, sometimes sometimes…people can act poorly.

We can be that person.

Or the other person can be that person.

No one is exempt from these moments. Marriage, having children, working in a church…these are just a few of the things that will incite my ability to act poorly sometimes. Christians don’t always communicate well with each other, even when we have the tool belt and the manual for how we are meant to do it, we still mess it all up fairly regularly.

When things go wrong in our communication it is our responsibility is to be humble and do our best to get us both of us out of the quagmire and back into good relationship.

We need to act this way because 1) It’s the standard Jesus would have his followers live by and 2) The reason this thing isn't resolving could be because we are the log jam.

We may have been digging in our heels and refusing to let things go.

We may have been trying to win.

We have to model good conflict resolution, humility in our communication, meekness (which is strength under control) and grace…because when we are the ones at fault and we can’t see it, we’re going to need the other person to bring the grace and wisdom that we can’t muster in that moment.

So what is the wise thing to do?

4) Is pride messing things up here?

If the answer to the above is yes…or maybe, then perhaps the next thing we need to think about is how much pride is at work here.

Not in the other person.

But in us.

I know the other person may be walking in it, but we can't do anything about them right now. We can do something about us though.

God’s word in 1 Peter 5:5 is that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”. That means that empowering grace to do things that we can't do by ourselves, favour and blessing all come when we are operating in humility.

So if the thing isn't moving...and grace moves things...could it be that we are acting out of pride rather than humility?

I'm just throwing out ideas here.

What might pride look like in tense communications? Control, stubbornness, inability to compromise, refusal to admit wrong, manipulation, defensiveness, justification…and so on…and so on.

5) Is there un-forgiveness happening here?

Now this one, like pride before it, can go both ways. The person could be operating in it and so could you.

If this isn’t the first time you’ve had tense communications with this person, or worse, then there could well be a bunch of historical trash that is being brought up right now. All of that could mean their responses are digging at you because they have been hurt by you in the past.

And this could equally all be true of you as well.

Unforgiveness makes everything worse.

Jesus commanded us to forgive in the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:9-13) and several other times in His ministry. It's a non negotiable.

We don't have to trust the person we’re forgiving like we once did and they don't have to have the same place in our lives as they used to, but we do have to take our hand off their throat. And give them back to Jesus.

3 Values to orbit to help bring grace to tough communication

Be humble -> Remember, you're not always right, you don't see your own blind spots, and you don't have a monopoly on the correct perspective. Lean into Jesus, the humble King.

Be a person of peace -> Take time before you reply, even if you really want to fire off a message, I guarantee you will feel less fiery in a few hours or by the next day. Lean into Father, He is peace.

Choose wisdom -> how does this all look from their perspective, how does it look from the viewpoint of a trusted friend who isn’t buried in the minutiae of it, how does Holy Spirit see it? He is the Spirit of wisdom itself.

What do you think?

What helps untangle communication problems for you?

What strategies has Holy Spirit taught you to bring grace to communication when everything goes off the rails?

The Road to the Father's House can be purchased on this website and on Amazon and Waterstones